My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
