I puked a lego.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
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