I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
