I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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