first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
