Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
