I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
