I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
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