i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
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