just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
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