I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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