I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Randomize
