Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
