I think I won the penis lottery.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
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