I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
