My first STD was from a foam party
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize
