The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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