dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Randomize
