Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
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