Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
This baby is an asshole
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize