If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
