dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
