I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
