I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
My boob is missing a layer of skin
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
