Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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