Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
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