help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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