My room smells like vodka and shame
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Betty ford says i'm here all night
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
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