tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
