mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
wanna go halves on a baby?
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
