Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Randomize
