I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize