I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
