You can't motorboat a personality
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
