after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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