I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
