forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
