When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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