I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
