who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
