FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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