So drunk, too bad you don't want this
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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