It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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