Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
