I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Barsexuality is the new black.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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