Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
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