this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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