Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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