his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
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