Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
We had to coat check the pizza.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
