You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
