____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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