I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
