I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
