ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
