This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize
