I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
